Job Qualifications

Greetings, subcontracted writer to the Tirade, Wonko the Sane here. If you’re really curious as to what’s up with my name and you have about a week to spare check out "Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams.

Anyway my topic for tonight is jobs and the qualifications that come with those jobs, for example…oh I don’t know, maybe…knowing the language!!! Now thanks to my Psychic friend Mit Long I know what you’re thinking. (Since many people will read this I need to divide into 2 groups)

Group A: you racist bastard!!! This is America and if you can’t handle people from other countries working here get the hell out, you close minded fuck!

Group B: Yeah! Right on! I know exactly what you’re talking about damn (insert racist slang here) taking all the jobs.

Group A, calm the fuck down. I’ll put in fair terms so even you will get it.

Group B, calm down you racist fuck! You don’t have a job because you’re an idiot!

Now that I’m all PC with everyone I’ll continue. Just for sake of example let’s say I take Group A’s advice and "get the hell out" of the country. Let’s say I move to Mexico. OK here I am in Mexico with 3 years of German linguistics under my belt for experience. Now jobs normal have this thing called "qualifications" this means that you have what is necessary to perform the jobs you were hired for. Everyone is so up tight about equal opportunities and being PC. Why would you go out of your way to hire someone with one leg and one arm to deliver pizza’s in a stick shift vehicle??? You wouldn’t!!! Why would you hire a blind person to do brain surgery??? Once again you would not. But here I am in Mexico bragging that I know how to count to 5 in Spanish. I apply and get hired at a really PC McDonald’s. The only person in the whole store who can talk to me is the manager (knowing both Spanish and English). Now knowing of my impressive ability to count to 5, does our bold leader of fast food put me on the fryer where no communication is necessary, does he put me on mop and table wiping duty were only a couple customers will try to (unsuccessfully of course) talk to me? No of course not, he puts me on… (That’s right!) Drive through!!! A crappy microphone which would challenge any normal person to understand any form of communication whatsoever but I can’t speak the fucking language!!! Let’s see how this works… (I will put in red the stuff in English and translate the rest for our non-Spanish speaking friends out there.)

ME: "O-la or something, (pause waiting for order)

Customer: Hi, I would like a number 3 but would like a chocolate shake instead of a drink, and extra order of fries, ok?"

ME: "number 3?…(pause waiting to get a clue)

Customer: "yeah, but a chocolate shake instead of the drink and one extra order of fries."

ME: " number 3 and number 1?"

Customer: "no damn it, just a number 3 forget the shake, and an extra order of fries though"

ME: " ok, a number 3…your total is $4.95" (giving up on whatever else they said.)

Customer: "what???… (Pulls forward realizing there is no winning and not having enough time to come in and try and get me fired)

This crap is happening every day in America. Not only that but If you do go in to complain, the manager looks confused and promises to take care of it, offering you another burger or something. The problem is there is no way in Hell he is getting rid of the kid, he works for damn near free and does all the crap jobs when he’s not on the drive through ruining your day!

Why in the world would you hire someone who’s primary job is to talk to people if they can’t speak the fucking language??? I mean you wouldn’t hire a mute would you? Well ok, maybe McDonald’s would but come on! I whole-heartedly blame this on the employers. It’s a little harsh to demand that if you earn American dollars you should speak American. I do not on the other hand think it’s unfair that we demand a job that requires communication actually speak the language of the fucking clientele!!! I have been forced into this situation at almost every fast food chain, telemarketers (talk about being shot down before you start!), computer support lines (a double shaft, they don’t know the language or anything about computers) and even hospitals… the implications for this final example scare me. I call because my friend’s computer just shot acid blood at him and I need to know what to do, because I don’t know shit about first aid. The lady on the other says…" Ola como es stas?" my friend dies a slow and hellish death while 20 minutes later my screaming finally encourages her to get someone else for me to speak to… Now until the world discovers babble fish (a little bonus for those of you who actually read the book mentioned previously) the only answer is that we systematically hunt down ever employer who wishes to save money buy hiring people not qualified for the job and export them to 3^rd world countries. (You thought I was going to say kill them didn’t you?).

Well that’s all for now, until someone else pisses me off,

Wonko the Sane